Choose what you don’t know
Courage (part 1 of 2)
Courage to me is a choice. Courage for me is to face my fears, to step outside of my comfort zone, to be vulnerable and to act in love. I don’t know what will happen when I face my fears, when I leave my comfort zone, and what will be revealed when I’m being vulnerable. All I can do is trust my intuition, and what I believe is true. This is my story and today I’m brave enough to share it with you!
TRUST YOUR INTUITION
More than two years ago I got burned out. By that time when summer arrived I still hadn’t got any help from the psychiatry and the resource at the University I talked to went on vacation. Therefore by the end of that summer, I went abroad by myself for 10 days to see a therapist by recommendation. I had only spoken with him twice before and briefly mentioned my problems. The first time he touched something deep within for a couple of seconds. The second time, a couple of months later, I called to ask him if I could come asap? I was shit scared, but I did it anyways. Because something within me told me I just had to.
On that island I was really broken down. I had such a hard time only making my way out of the hotel room. To get past the doorstep was a huge achievement because of all the fear I had to overcome — all the imagined frightening risks and judging people waiting outside. Those two weeks got me from as near as given up hope I could come by that time, to turn me and my dead eyes back to life again. I left the island with a new shining light of hope in my eyes.
FACE YOUR FEARS
What I do know is that I’m afraid. I’m afraid of posting this to cyberspace and to share all these sentences with you. I’m scared to be as vulnerable as I need to be when writing this, to let you know my thoughts. I’m afraid of what you might think and feel, that you won’t like me, or even accept me. Fortunately, I also know I’m brave. Because I wouldn’t need courage if I weren’t afraid, and right now you’re reading this blogpost!
So how come I expose myself of doing this? Why take the risk? Why can’t I just skip the things I’m afraid of? Why make life so hard? Often the discomfort isn’t long lasting and what I feel afterwards can be awesome! Sometimes it’s just pleasant to know I tried to overcome that specific fear and didn’t let it win without even trying.
START DOING
Since the time on the island I worked myself through a lot of fears, big ones and small ones. I worked on myself every day somehow, constantly learning new things about myself, my needs and my mission in this world. Then I realized the importance of doing. I used to blame myself immensely to despite of my knowledge of everything I could do to help myself, barely did anything. Today I know I was incapable of doing it because I were depressed, exhausted and because I thought I had to do everything by myself. Also because of how I felt, and that I didn’t have the right tools to take care of my feelings.
Of course I also need to rest, recharge and feel comfortable. Balance is the key here. I can’t change my old patterns if that’s all I’m trying to do. So I try not to push myself so hard, remind myself to tap me on the shoulder more often and leave time to celebrate! I know for sure I need to spend more time on my own processing. But I also need to spend more time with people. Because sometimes I just don’t know how to relate to others, how to be myself in a group, or how to open up to intimacy with all my relationships.
STEP OUTSIDE OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE
Nowadays, almost two years later, a totally different safety within myself starts to settle in. It’s a self-esteem that makes me more often courageous enough to stay in what feels uncomfortable. As the social introvert I quite newly realized, or finally admitted to myself I am, I sometimes rather stay at home in my comfort zone. There I can choose to skip the noise of the world and only relate to myself. But how much do I grow from that? As I wish to grow beyond that, I need to choose the uncomfortable unknown that I’m afraid of instead.
Therefore I choose to leave my comfort zone to interact with other people, instead of being blocked by my fears. I don’t want fear to be in charge of my life. That’s also the reason to why I choose what I don’t know yet. In the true meeting with ourselves and other people, I think that is the place were we all have a chance to grow. I think it is when we’re there and leave the rest up to the blank space in between, or the black hole where stars suddenly have a chance to appear visible.
LEAVE PERFECTION
While writing this I’ve had to work hard to leave performance and judgement, and I had to remind myself several times of doing it ”good enough”. I have to accept (and forgive) myself and the way I’m working; processing this piece in a cone. From a lot of thoughts, sentences and ideas to the pointy end. I have to remind myself of the most important thing while doing this, which is to love myself despite or because whatever I do. To leave perfection to be human as I am, with all my insecurities, fears and worries.
At first I had to be brave enough only to write this, despite that dark little voice whispering I might not be able to finish it, or make any sense at all. What if the result is not what I had imagined in my head? Therefore I also remind myself that this is not everything, even if it sometimes feels like it.
It’s just a tiny piece in the whole big process.
